Bold Moves Weekly 4/23-4/30: Jeb Bush Bought the Marlins

Welcome to Bold Moves Weekly, a segment where I go over what I view as the boldest move of the week. As always it’s important to note; these moves are bold as hell. They may not be good moves, they may not be intelligent, self-preservative moves, but they are certainly bold.


This week’s bold move comes from one of the OG bold movers of our time, Jeb Bush. As of today, April 25th, 2017, Jeb Bush is the controlling owner of the Miami Marlins; give him a hand, please. A group comprised of him, Derek Jeter, and a few others legally purchased the team today for somewhere over 1.2 billion dollars.



Maybe this move isn’t so bold actually. Let’s put some things together here, the Florida Marlins team wasn’t established until 1993, one year after George Bush Sr. left office. There’s a possibility this was all planned, way back, by the shadow government. First Jeb tightens his grip on the state of Florida through a beloved baseball team, and then he tightens his grip on America, through memes. While the inclusion of Jeter can help Jeb with the baseball side of things, I can’t help but think Jeb could have done better in terms of business partners. I’m pretty sure the only sea-based experience Derek Jeter has is a case of crabs. 


It’s not for me to pass judgment on whether or not a bold move should have been made, folks. My job is simply to let you know why buying the Marlins was the most in character thing Jeb Bush has done in awhile. While shaking up a team that just last year lost their star pitcher in a horrible accident may seem odd, Bushs do have a habit of seizing power in the wake of tragedy.  Jeb is apparently already rounding up Marlins players’ cell phones in order to figure out whether or not they voted for him last November and is making them take their shoes off before batting practice.

It’s very in Jeb’s interest to focus on the Marlins, as like the Bush family, their last triumph was in the early ‘00s. They’re a historic organization; known for high highs (two world series in the past 20 years) and low lows (the Marlins currently hold the MLB record for worst season finish by a Defending World Series Champion). They’re the baseball equivalent of a family that managed to put in two presidents and then failed to capitalize entirely for the foreseeable future. Jeb even speaks Spanish, a fact I’m sure he’s only mentioned fifteen times already today.

Overall, definitely the boldest move we’re going to see this week (short of WWIII finally kicking off), so good job to you, Jeb! I’d also like to wish the best of luck to the Marlins!, who I’m sure will be favorites early on this season and by October somehow blow it to a team that has never played baseball before.

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