Since the Bill Cosby jury reported this morning their trial was deadlocked, I thought I would look up some stuff on the proceedings. I found uhhh, some weird shit. Earlier this week, while leaving his trial for sexual assault, Bill Cosby took a quick stroll down memory lane. In response to some fans, he recited the catchphrase of one of his characters, Fat Albert. I know what you’re thinking “BigBird, is outside your own rape trial the worst possible place to shill for your brand?”. The answer is it’s “probably up there”, but the question is why here, why now? What coded message was Cosby trying to send with his corpulent greetings? I’ve been up all night thinking about it, so if you’ll allow me, I’d like to lay down some theories.
Theory Number 1: He’s Trying to Tell Us Fat Albert Did Those Crimes
Everyone knows fat albert would always say “hey hey hey”. And what was the phrase almost always immediately following that line? “It’s Fat Albert”. I think Cosby may have uttered the phrase in an attempt to get some loyal fan to do the digging themselves, and figure out that he’d been framed by none other than Fat Albert. I don’t know for sure whether or not Fat Albert is a real person or maybe it’s some sort of “Nutty Professor” type situation. Perhaps Bill Cosby has multiple personalities and one of them is a morbidly obese child who drugs people before assaulting them.
He’s blurry, like bigfoot and other elusive monsters.
I can’t tell you for sure, but the way his eyes rolled up back in his head when he did the line helps to move this theory along. The movement combined with that otherworldly, disturbing voice makes me think something is up. The only real way to know is to bring in an expert.
But when the world needed him most, he disappeared
Theory Number 2: He’s Almost 80 and His Brain is Literal Mush
When people get older their mental faculties don’t always stand the test of time. Sometimes they do things, like have a flashback to the glory days, and that could have happened here. Cosby could have been having a memory of simpler times, when he would voice a diabetic teenager by day, and drug and then force himself on women by night. It’s perfectly normal for someone his age to leave their own head every now and then, again exhibited by his rolling his eyes back.
Theory Number 3: Occam’s Razor
There’s an okay chance Bill Cosby just did that impression because he realizes he is screwed and may go to jail for the remainder of his life and/or spend it in poverty after paying all of his victims. This one’s not as out there as the other theories but is the most probable.