In honor of summer and beaches and whatever, it is time to discuss the beach environment. It is an entirely self-contained universe where normal rules do not apply. Something like ‘Mountain Rules’ but less cold weather and more cold beverages.
Regardless, in this enigma, there are many different beach people present. So many, in fact, that one might need help navigating them all. So without further ado, and with help from a flow chart, Mr. Man presents the types of beach people one should expect this summer.
The Non-Beach Person
This particular person does not belong on the beach and they know it. They probably got dragged there or something against their will. How do you know? Because they look like they belong on a street with their shoes and hoodie, not on a beach.
Although this person can also be found in proper attire, it is acceptable if they wear regular clothes. Without this person, any group of people would be incomplete. This person is the sole reason the Beach Greeks and similar groups survive in the sandy universe.
The person that gets ‘burned’
This person, whether literally or figuratively, usually literally, will burn to a crisp without proper beach protection. It’s no fault of their own, just the way the news goes. Either way, they usually stick out like a sore thumb, lathered in sunscreen, whiter than the whitest kid you know, who is also probably this person. So susceptible to burning, it produces a paradox.
This person can blend in pretty well, but they are uncomfortable enough that you can just tell. It happens and takes time, like a caterpillar shedding its’ cocoon. But they still enjoy the beach as much as anyone. I was a member of this group for a bit, but then quickly found myself transferred over to the burn unit (see above group).
Beach go-er #2
This is your typical beach person. They are the life-blood of the beach and their innocuous existence allows for the other groups to flourish. These people are also the most likely to flow between each sect of people and come in all shapes and sizes.
Beach Model (rare)
This person is a eye gem, no matter the gender. You see them strut across the sandy dunes and go ‘that is an aesthetically pleasing person.’ This person can also be found floating through the beach groups or The Old-Timer sect. Regardless, they look good.
These people do not look quite as good in a speedo, but they rock it anyway. They also think that speedos look good and are normal enough in the U.S.A. but they are not. Banana Hammocks are a mostly stereo-typical European thing. But whether it is meant for this country or not, these people exude the most confidence out of any group. They bare it all and do not care. Party on!
These beach people are the group that all look like they belong to a college-movie frat or sorority. They are all at least 8’s and are usually the rowdiest and possibly most obnoxious group found on the sand. That last part is not always true, but you wish it was so you could yell at them for setting up next to you and dropping you from a 6 to a 4.
Very similar to the Beach Greeks, but they do not look as good, which means they make up for it with party materials, games, and friendliness. These guys can get rowdy as well with their beach music and their volleyball, but they certainly know how to have a good time. Typically a younger version of the Beach Loungers.
The ex-Beach Partiers, these people used to party like that but have mellowed out with age. Now they hang together in their beach chairs by the tide and play bocce ball or read the paper. They still know how to take advantage of the beach, just at a slower pace.
The Old-Timer is the leathery person that rolls up with a beach chair and towel and their radio. They have nothing else and yet they spend an entire day sitting in that one position. Everyone on the beach can tell they’re a regular just by looking at the person. Sunscreen? You meant suntan lotion right?
The New Person
The New Person is the new regular to the beach. This beach person aspires to join The Old-Timer one day and bask in their leathery glory. Until then, The New Person toils away, breaking down their skin.
Although this list may encompass most major sects, there are still many types of beach people that were not recognized today. Along with that, this is only a breakdown of the most basic building blocks of groups you will find at the beach. Many of these sects may mingle and intertwine, but there is no further breakdown than these major sects.