If you’re like me, you spend part of your summer’s on the beach with your family. For me, my family has vacationed at Cape Cod every year for 20+ years, so I feel that my resume will at least resonate with a portion of you readers. I hope my list reveals some truths about us humans and show that we aren’t all so different after all.
1) Take an outdoor shower
There’s some primal pleasure that comes with being naked outdoors, and the combination of that plus a nice shower after spending a day in the sun just overwhelms the senses and results in a euphoric experience. Nothing feels better.
2) Walk on rocks
At most of the beaches I’ve been to on the Cape, usually on the bayside, there’s a large row of sharp rocks and pebbles right at the base of where high tide reaches the sand. So unless you dig yourself a path through it, you’re gonna be walking on glass in order to get to that sweet ocean.
3) Let everyone know you’re peeing in the ocean
If you don’t like to pee in the ocean, then you can stop reading this now and get back to knitting your ferret a sweater you social pariah. I like to think that there are 2 different types of people in the world: those who pee in their bathing suits and those who pull their bathing suits down to pee into the ocean. Both techniques are very telling to the type of person you really are.
Looking over at your sibling/friend and seeing them standing still in belly-button high water with a stupid fucking grin on their face only means one thing. And sometimes the ocean pisser will straight up come out and say they’re peeing. Abiding by the unspoken routine, someone will ask if the person is peeing and when the truth is revealed, everyone makes an exaggerated movement away from that person, and a comment about how the water got warmer. It doesn’t matter that it’s been played out a million times, it’s always great, especially if you’re the ocean pisser.
4) Do a puzzle with your mom
Doing a puzzle for anyone under the age of 50 is exclusively a vacation activity, and I always look forward to doing it.
5) Take a game of mini golf seriously until you quadruple bogey on the second hole and then stop caring
The car ride to the mini golf course is filled with trash talk and high hopes, and all of that competitive enthusiasm goes out the window as soon as that sure shot 1 foot putt rims around the hole and makes you look like a chump.
6) Hide your paranoia about sharks by cracking some Jaws jokes
The person who crack shark jokes while everyone’s having a good time in the water is always the one most afraid of them.
7) Get into a family argument
Nothing more American than getting too much sun during the day and then getting into a family argument in the car on the way back from dinner.
8) Make small talk about the tide
Nobody know ever knows where the tide is going until they look it up on their phone. Until someone actually looks it up, everyone acts like they’re a Cherokee chief who’s one with nature and can predict the tides based on the moon.
9) Skip rocks near your sibling
You know that family argument that you had? Yeah well your sibling brought up some personal shit from 10 years ago that you’re still mad at him/her at, so when you’re skipping rocks later and they’re playing in the water, you skip a couple of warning rocks near them until your mom yells at you. You’re not trying to hit them obviously, just trying to send a message.
10) Find sand in your hair/shoes
I’ve been back from vacation for over a week now and I’m still digging sand out of my hair.