After last week’s Top 5, Tasty Spoon set the bar high. Even so, we will be killing the competition this week by looking at predators. I’ll be honest with y’all, I tried to leave this one open-ended for my fellow writers. What will come of having a Top 5 on predators? Will some unsavory types make an appearance? There is only one way to find out.
This guy is recorded as gobbling up three people in a matter of minutes like they were fun-sized candies. Not only that, the Sarlacc thrives in a pit in a desert.
4. Freddy Krueger:
The guy lurked around in the dreams of kids. And then killed them.
3. Tyrannosaurus Rex:
He ruled the pre-historic kingdom like no other. He was the monster among monsters.
2. Polar Bears:
They are the apex predator of the Arctic Circle. The only thing that can kill it is the literal earth. Otherwise it kills things.
Humans have killed everything and anything. The only time they lose is when they are stupid or try going up against the literal earth.
Billy the Adult:
– They’re dinosaurs that survived the ice age and Pangea
– “Worldwide, crocodiles are estimated to kill about 1,000 humans per year, many more than sharks.”(BBC).
4. Giant Freshwater Stingray
– RIP Steve Irwin
– “Fisherman in Thailand’s Mae Klong River caught a 14-foot stingray that weighed between 600 and 800 pounds. It was one of the largest freshwater fish ever captured.” (Mentalfloss.com)
2. Goblin Shark
– “They are ugly” -everyone
– “The Goblin Shark has a snout that is elongated and looks like a giant blade, called a rostrum. It protrudes far ahead of its jaw. It seems like an odd body part, but it functions as a prey detector, because it is filled with electroreceptors, called ampullae of Lorenzini. These receptors pick up tiny electrical fields of prey. The Goblin Shark sweeps its long snout back and forth over the seabed, as if the snout were a metal detector, to find its food.” (Sharksider.com)
1. Great Barracuda
– It killed Nemo’s momma and all of Nemo’s siblings.
– “They like to stay isolated but while mating, they form groups” (animalplace.net)
Mr. Man thought he was slick, using a vague top five. This list was still easy for me to compile. Checkmate, pal.
- The Predator:
– Let’s say we push past the obvious shit; the ability to become invisible, mounted shoulder rockets, super strength, and lasers. All that aside, it took prime era Arnold Schwarzenegger and a squad of bodybuilders to kill one predator. Easily tops the list.
- Van Pelt From “Jumanji”:
– The first time you see this guy he’s just a working stiff, being a hardass down at the shoe factory. He’s mean to his own son. That lets you know he’s a cold one. Next time you see him he’s got a pike hat and a big elephant gun. This guy lives in the jungle from “Jumanji”, where everything is there with the express purpose to kill you. He’s even prepared to murder children to achieve his goals. Doesn’t hurt that that job hooks him up with some sweet kicks as well.
- Golden Eagles:
– They start hunting about 100 days after they hatch. What did you kill and eat when you were three months old? Nothing, that’s what. They also fuck while flying through the sky so think about that.
- Car Salesmen:
– Like the great white, they have everything in their arsenal to ruin your day. But you have to live with ti afterwards. Replace this speech’s references to the ocean with references to a car lot and it’s basically the same.
- Great White Sharks:
– Big rows of teeth, fast as hell in the water, a predisposition towards blood, what more do I have to say? Inspired the above speech, which technically means we owe the great white an Oscar, too.
- Peregrine Falcon
- let’s get it rollin. The fastest member of the animal kingdom has been clocked at 242 mph and consistently reaches 200 during its hunting dive and is renowned for its tracking and hunting abilities.
- Well Billy the Adult messed this up so allow me to correct his mistake. The Alligator is not only larger on average but also has a larger, U shaped jaw instead of the Crocodiles silly V shaped jaw. And this just in, a U is wider than a V. Also, American Crocs don’t really attack people and are extremely territorial.
- Kimodo Dragon
- Up to 150 pounds, up to 10 feet long, packed full of venom, and singlehandedly dominating the ecosystem they live in no questions asked. Did I mention that these things have things in their blood plasma that helps with healing wounds in both mixed biofilm infected wounds and uninfected ones.
- Dog the Bounty Hunter
- come on now.
- A small animal that employs echolocation to find its prey, the Shrew is my dark horse. It’s one of the only mammals with poisonous bite, storing the poison in the grooves in its teeth. They can also eat up to 75 percent of their body weight in food every day, and are often stressed out, which can lead to hyperactivity.
Any predator that can put as much fear into an animal as Mufasa does to the Hyeneas deserves a shout on this edition of Top 5 Tuesday.
4. Pekka Rinne
He is a three time all star for the NHL team the Nashville Predators, and is easily one of their best players of all time
3. Polar Bears
They are like that College athlete who plays for some shitty school no one really knows but who is one of the best in the country. The polar bears rule the arctic, and eat everything on and off the ice.
They are the same thing I don’t care what science, biology, zooology, or whatever other ‘ology’ there is. And whats more if they are enough to terrify Sterling Archer, World’s Most Famous Secret Agent, then they warrant recognition here.
While not a predator, Mosquitoes are by far the most deadly animal on the planet. According to the World Health Organization, mosquitoes are responsible for 1 million deaths per yer. Thats more deaths per year than Sharks, Crocidiles, Polar Bears, Lions and Pekka Rinnes combined. RIP.
So there you have it folks! Our takes on the Top 5 Predators. Some takes were hot, some takes were not. Big Bird bamboozled me hard by listing Predator as No. 1 overall. Truly hard to argue with a thing whose name is just ‘predator’. In any case, what a list. No one is escaping any of these blood-thirsty, ferocious predators.