Bold Moves Weekly: Ted Cruz Becomes a Hero For All the Wrong Reasons

Welcome to Bold Moves Weekly, a segment where I go over what I view as the boldest move of the week. As always it’s important to note; these moves are bold as hell. They may not be good moves, they may not be intelligent, self-preservative moves, but they are certainly bold.

Maybe I should say something more like “welcome back” this week, as it’s been a minute since my last article. I recently moved across the country, but while I may have slowed, the moves have not.

It’s not brave to masturbate. I was pretty sure I would never have to write that sentence but here we are. Everyone; the pope, the queen, your grandparents; everyone masturbates. Maybe not eunuchs, whatever you get the point.

Probably used this hand too.

No, masturbation is not brave. Bravery is doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Bravery is knowing the world may shun you for your convictions but having them anyways, even if they’re idiotic. Real bravery, the most potent stuff, is having the guts to do what no other person in the world has ever had the guts to do. This week, Ted Cruz was brave.


Ted Cruz, senator from Texas, shared a porn clip on his personal verified twitter. Take a second and think about that. Contextually, he’s probably had a tough week, considering his state was hit with one of the worst hurricanes in recent history. He came home, jacked it, and then thought to himself “how can I be a leader to the people of Texas in this trying time”. The conclusion was obvious to Ted, and he shared the video to his twitter. He slipped off the guise of smooth talking stripe wearing salesman for a minute and showed us he is a human. A weird oversharing human, but a human nonetheless.

PICTURED: Cruz’ first job.


This basically means Ted Cruz can’t run for president again. If he does he won’t get far. His whole political persona is basically the shame bell woman from Game of Thrones, but now he has no moral high ground.

I mean it’s not a moral thing to not watch porn, but the perceived moral high ground he had is gone. It also lead to him defending the use of sex toys in the media for the last few days. This is coming from a man who tried to make them illegal not too long ago. This kind of dildo-esque flip flopping even has his core voters, the two farmers from American Gothic, pissed at him.

                                                  They don’t play that shit, Ted.

That’s just surface level stuff, not even mentioning the audacity it takes to share porn. We’ve all seen the social media symbols at the bottom of the video on porn sites. You may know them as tiny nuclear launch buttons, but for your social life. Everyone knows not to click those. No one gets away clean from that experience, it’s like drinking unicorn blood. Not only did Ted hit one of those buttons, he immediately passed it on to someone else. The man took the most relatable moment of his life and gave it away to an intern.


Just to get this out of the way, no you can’t share porn to Facebook. Don’t do it. Just don’t. It won’t go well. You don’t have the fall guy Cruz has. That shouldn’t be your takeaway from this move. Our heroes are heroes because they do the things that we could never do. Ted Cruz already did things we would never do, but those were things we wouldn’t want to do, like be told you’re less charismatic than a basketball with dementia. He also does all sorts of despicable shit like try to get abortion recipients to hold funerals for their fetuses. The point is the greatest triumphs can come from the lowest of souls.

The real takeaway here is everyone’s too horny for Ted Cruz’ “Old Time Religion”, including Ted Cruz. I’d like to imagine this wasn’t an intern on the wrong account. In my mind, some subconscious level of Ted Cruz saw the evil he’s been a part of and knew there was only one way to end it. He had to hit the big red button on his own reputation and try to find a new hill to die on. Best of luck, Ted. I hope you find it quick.

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